We could at last see James again.

Thirteen days after James killed himself we were finally able to see him. The funeral home contacted us to say the post mortem had been done and he was ready to be collected from the mortuary. I remember feeling an overwhelming need to see James right from the minute we found out about his death. I needed to see him one last time and talk to him and prepare myself for never seeing him again.

The appointment at the funeral home was at 10am. We arrived at 9:45am I hadn’t sleep a wink thinking about it and I was now really looking forward to seeing him. I know it might sound strange but I desperately wanted to be with him and hold his hand. We waited in the reception area and, when his son’s arrived a short time later, we were shown in to the chapel of rest. His son’s wanted time alone with him so they waited. Its a small chapel in the funeral home that seats maybe 30 people, James was at the front to the right under some soft lighting. I hesitated at the back for a moment with my Mum and Dad and wife. My wife stayed back for a time and then me and Mum and Dad approached the coffin.

He looked absolutely perfect. The pain and anguish from those last 2 years had melted away and he literally looked like he was asleep. The boys had chosen his favourite flat cap and jumper and coat for him to be dressed in and he just looked normal although we all knew it was anything but normal. My Mum and Dad were crying uncontrollably and holding his hand. I stood back for a while and let Mum and Dad be with him before I was able to hold his hand and talk to him.

My wife built up the courage to walk down to see him and we all hugged whilst looking on at the dead body of my brother. It was simply incomprehensible what was happening. I can’t remember how long we spent with him but at some point we left the chapel so his boys could be with him. When the boys had spent time with their beloved dad we all thanked the funeral director and made our way home in a haze of relief and even more despair. How could this be true? Why have I had to just see my brother dead, in a wooden box? It was just too much!