No sleep but so many tears.

After gettting home safely my two nephews and I joined my Mum and dad and the rest of my family to talk about James and try to come to terms with what had happened. We all knew what had caused him to take his own life but that would have to wait for another time. Tonight was all about letting ourselves cry and talk and cry some more and talk some more.

Tommorrow will come all too quickly but for now we were united in the most undiluted grief that I had ever experienced. Sure, I had experience of relatives and friends dying and it was very upsetting, but this was next level stuff. The kind of grief that actually physically hurts. Like a tight band wrapping around your chest and an even heavier force pushing down on your head until you think you might actually explode.

Mum and Dad were literally in shock! I hadn’t seem them like that at any time in my life. My Dad looked almost green he had become so pale and Mum was just shell shocked like I’d imagine world war one soldiers were when they came back from the front line. This was a life changing experience happening in real time and we could do nothing about it.